Today's the Day

Today Giles and I see the Musculoskeletal (I think I finally spelled it correctly) Oncologist about my foot.  He specializes in weird bone things, so hopefully he can offer insight and wisdom.  If you are new to this mess, read this and then this.

The calm I had has morphed into an odd numbness.  It probably stems from the strange, floating pains in my foot.  For instance, last night I woke up and after getting up for a minute, my 2nd left toe hurt.  "Hurt" is kind of a "just woke up" numbness.  You know the feeling when your foot has fallen asleep?  Make that feeling deeper and very specific to one toe, traveling down to mid-foot, and you've got it.

I have not been able to figure out a pattern to the pain or discomfort.  That really annoys me.  I like patterns. I search for patterns.  I am a baker and a cook.  To make a loaf of bread, you must have the right balance of dry, wet, and leavening agent, all assembled in the right order.  If you know that pattern, the recipe becomes flexible and you can play with it.  If you want to make a good white sauce, you must know the pattern of fat, starch, and liquid.  As a mother, I have to see patterns in my kids behavior:  A- antecedent, B- behavior, C- consequence.  A child typically does not just flip out in Hobby Lobby for no reason.  Is it hunger, fatigue, boredom, or have I unwittingly created a situation where flipping out is rewarded?  Patterns.  I like them.

There is no pattern here, as far as I can tell.  The more I baby my foot, the more it hurts when I use it without the boot or crutches.  Why? Sometimes I have pain just sitting in a chair and then in goes away.  Why?  Sometimes it feels numb.  Sometimes my left foot feels significantly colder to the touch than my right.  Why?  Sometimes "pain" is more discomfort and sometimes "pain" makes me want to curl up and cry.  Why is there such variation when I am simply sitting on the couch with my feet on the coffee table?  Sometimes my foot hurts in my second toe to mid-foot.  Sometimes my second, third, and fourth toes hurt.  Sometimes the outside of my left foot hurts.  Why?

I want answers.  "An" answer?

The appointment is at 2:00.  Giles is going with me so we can both absorb the information.  My prayer is that we both listen with clear ears, retain the correct information, ask pertinent questions, and I don't know what else.

Also, lingering in the back of my mind and adding to my urgency to know what is happening with my body is Mindy.  My buddy Mindy had a cough that would not go away in the summer of 2008.  By fall, one of her dearest friends pushed and pushed her to follow-up and follow-up.  By January, they had a diagnosis.  Stage 4 Melanoma.  We lost Mindy September 1, 2011.  She was only 37.

One thing Mindy fiercely imparted to me is to not take my health lightly and to follow-up on anything that seems wrong.  So, I am doing it, Min.  No, I do not think I have cancer.  No, I do not think we will need to amputate my leg or that my life will end in a year or two.  I do think that watching my beloved friend suffer, watching her husband suffer, watching her children suffer, watching her parents suffer, has permanently affected how I approach the "off" things in my health.  There is something wrong with my foot and I want to know why and what it is and what the hell we do about it.

Now I am going to drink my coffee, have some more moments with God before the kids roll out of bed, and breathe deeply.  I'll post when I can.  It might be tomorrow.